I'm content with losing. Are you?

Change of mind

Dear Posterous,

I meant to post this on 14 December, right after Parkway Drive, but then I got lazy and there just wasn't all that much to talk about, so I delayed it.

Anyway, I've got my priorities sorted out. First of all, I am totally dropping the idea of going after Lexi. It's just weird. And especially after having met her for the third or fourth time, she's still quiet as hell. I don't really like that. It means that she isn't confident. That's totally not my thing. So yeah.

In the meantime though, there's this girl in my NPSU sub-committee called Yun Qing. She's really cute and all. And for today's NPSU Christmas celebration gift exchange, I got her tumbler that she got when the few of us Merch Com people did our last-minute Christmas shopping at Orchard Central. Such is the strangeness of chance eh? Or perhaps it's telling me something. I seem to get this impression that she vaguely likes me. She seems to laugh at the small things that I do, and one example was when I tried to take a drink from the dispensing container. Amanda and she laughed really hard when I tried to no avail but when Irfan did it, she reacted in disgust. Coincidence? I think not. But then again, better not overthink lest I get friendzoned yet again and suffer a shattering blow to my esteem.

See you soon (hopefully),
The much matured Alex

Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me

Hey,

It's been such a long time since I've last logged in here, more than a month, in fact. So, I finally decided to get this off my head. It's kind of been nagging at me for pretty long but I've tried to ignore it but it's come to this stage where I can no longer ignore it anymore.

Firstly, I've completely given up on Naomi. So there's that out of the window. We're not exactly the same so there's really no point in going after her since we can't click that well and she's way more into foreign guys, despite us being on good terms and all.

Secondly, I've completely learnt to let go of all issues surrounding the people whom I used to think that actually cared about me. They don't, so why should I? It's true, what they all say. Life's really a lot easier and happier when you simply don't give a fuck about anything anymore.

So, on to the main thing that I wanna talk about, and it's about Lexi. I mean, she's all cool and stuff, but the thing is that she really is like me. The music, the intelligence and especially, the humour. We both just appreciate the dark, morbid, sarcastic type of humour, and it shows, seeing how we just get along so easily. Nonetheless, I think I've finally found someone who might actually be able to accept my kinky fetishes.

Just 2 days ago, she asked me to get her handcuffs for her 18th birthday, but me not being 21, I couldn't. So we agreed to have that for her 19th. But nonetheless, she's actually into bondage. I mean, this is essentially what I'm looking for, isn't it? A cool girl who's into FSRP. What more can I demand for? So what if she's Malay? Race and religion doesn't matter. Not that she gives a fuck about religion anyway.

But still, I just get this weird feeling that I can't really be with her, or even if I can, it'd be unethical or something. I don't know. It's just that looking at her photos, it feels wrong. I don't really know how to justify it. However, on the other hand, I'd still love to tie her up and gag her and do nasty things to her, but yet I can't bring myself to it. Is this even normal? I'm just afraid that my fetishes have started to get the better of me. I need help. I really do.

And finally, why is it that I get this hint of jealousy whenever Ian starts talking to her on Twitter? I mean, he's my bro and all and I trust him when he says that he won't mess with any of his friends' friends, but I just can't help but feel somewhat overprotective of Lexi. Are my instincts leading me on, or do they actually detect some foul play at work here?

I guess I really do need help.

Hard rock with my rock-hard cock

Fun fact: I'm sitting on the toilet right now as I write this post. Can't get any closer to natural inspiration, can you? :P

So, today's mum's birthday. Good and bad shit both happened. I'll recap from the start of the day.

Woke up, usual shit, and more routine shit. Then F1 came. Suzuka. Wow. My favourite track. Yay. Vettel won the drivers' championship. Good for him. But that's not my problem. I don't really give a fuck about that.

Then we went over to RWS. I look awesome. Great. Hard Rock Hotel. Fuck yeah. Hot (more cute than hot actually) receptionist. Fucking hell I so wanna do her. The other receptionist too. Make them "rock hard" as well as my dick inside them being "rock-hard" on the reception desk? Ohhh yeahhh babyyy.

Went exploring the rest of Sentosa. Boring. Luge ride. Pretty fun. Raced mum and won all 3 times. Most memorable of all was the 2 time when I braked at the very last moment and caused a girl to scream in fear for her life thinking that I was gonna crash into her or something. LOL that was fucking funny. I wish that whichever girl I get to fuck next time screams like that too. That'd be something.

(download)

Click here to download:

hard-rock-with-my-rock-hard-cock-iwyulAFEFhbsotjtsjfz.zip (413 KB)

Then dinner. Hard Rock Cafe. Fuck yeah. Sunita Amurthalingam working as a service crew. Fucking hell yeah. She's hot. I wouldn't mind doing her honestly. Rock her hard with my "rock-hard" cock in Hard Rock Cafe? Fuck yeah I could jizz watertanks. But it's pretty cool how the world is so small. Then mum cried because it was the first time that she had her birthday photo taken on the day itself. Okay so yeah that's pretty sad and kind of a big deal, considering that you've lived for 58 fucking years and all, but the way she kept repeating it to the waitress and all was rather annoying, even though I'm not on the receiving end of it. But I'm sure that despite the smiles and courtesy, inside, they must be thinking: "Goddammit can she just shut the fuck up about it already?" Nonetheless mum was kinda annoying on the way back. Emotional bitches. Getting all worked up and not getting over these kinds of shit. I mean yeah, I sympathise with you, but can you not be a teary bitch and fuck up my thoughts? I feel you inside but can you really not affect my outside? It sucks, you know.

And now, Imma go sleep, or maybe fap to Sue's photos. Whatever. Hey, don't judge. We all need a little relief once in a while. Most probably if you chance upon this, you're fapping to me since it's supposedly private and no one can find me unless you're a fucking stalker. In which case it would be cool if you're at least an okay looking girl. Otherwise, that's just plain fucking scary. Bye.

I'm happy

Today, Ian Tay invited me over to his house to swim. It was nice to have him think of me as usually I'm forgotten by others. Anyway, I was still sleeping but he woke me up. Even though I still wanted my sleep, I decided to get up since he was so nice to do so anyway.

So, I went over and we pretty much did nothing there LOL. But that doesn't matter. I had a good talk with him, especially at the pool (mainly in the jacuzzi, despite it going off after every 20 fucking minutes). I found out many things about him that I usually wouldn't. And it seems that I've certainly learnt to let go and not give a fuck about many things now. I should've done so long ago really.

I don't really know what I'm writing this short post for, but it stands to mean something for me. It's been such a long time since I've actually felt happy.

Good on me then.

P.S. Tomorrow's (in 13 minutes' time actually, as I look at the dashboard clock) mum's birthday. I don't really know what to do LOL. I guess I just gotta do well in my grades to repay my debt.

It's that few that matter

I just came back from an Alcaeus outing. Well, sort of. There were just the 5 of us. Zhi Xuan, who looked hot as hell with a see-through top, Pang Ann, who was exceptionally good-looking tonight, Deepak, who also dressed much better than usual (I actually expected him to dress like shit LOL), and Sharon, who still looks like shit. Though I gotta mention that I'd like to fuck Emily and Zhi Xuan in a threesome tonight what with Emily wearing that chequered flannel shirt revealing her full boobs. Goddammit I could perform some bondage shit on them with Emily disciplining Zhi Xuan and all. Sorry I've been pretty horny this whole week for some unknown reason. Been wanking a whole lot and I don't know why. But enough of that. Fuck, I'm digressing way too much already.

Main thing I'm writing this is because I'm just really glad that at least we have the few of us who bothered to turn up. I mean, looking back at Hunties last year, that was much worse. I was already abandoned mid-year of 2010, but right now, it's already October and there are still those who cared about each other. This has really made me very proud of being their GL. I mean, I did expect the turnput rate to be terrible after all, knowing how people are, having met new people and having gained new experiences and all, and I must admit that even I have changed. But the thing is, the numbers don't really prove anything now. It's not so much a case of quantity but a case of quality now. Though I must say, it was pretty expected of Alyssa to not show up despite saying that she might. It's not the first time that it has happened already. That fucking bitch is gonna get it coming someday for putting people off all the time. Then there's Zul. LOL. That guy's a fucking joke. He doesn't give a fuck about anyone at all. Zhi Xuan and I have completely given up on him. In fact, we've given up on many people and things, even SU itself.

But fuck it. The purpose of me writing this post is not to rant and bitch about others. The whole point of this is to cherish and appreciate the fact that there is still some hope amongst us despite how shitty things are. In any case, I would just like to thank the 3 of you who turned up. None of you will never get to read this post, but just know that inside, I'm really grateful for how it has turned out and how history has not repeated itself.

On behalf of Mama Xuan and I, thank you the few of you Alcaeus freshies. We love you. ♥

She's outta my reach

It's been a while since I last posted. Things haven't been going exactly the way I want them to be. I haven't got a job, my expenditure is running out, and my life is more or less still in a mess. Just like what Thought Catalog has said, I haven't got my shit together.

What really eclipses all this is the fact that Naomi doesn't seem to feel the same way towards me. In other words, my feelings for her aren't reciprocated. She thinks of me as just a friend, perhaps even just a brother, which is the worst as once you're in "brother territory", there's no way out of it. What has made it even worse is the fact that she said that the only person from NPSU whom she might consider is Gavin. Of all people, why he? Of all the perfectly fine men out there, why the idiot? I mean, if it's someone like Dray or whoever, I might be alright with it, but Gavin? What an idiot. Just because he has the same music taste and does stupid things, you're interested in him? Naomi, I thought you had better taste. Seems not. Nonetheless, I'll just stick around you because being with you makes me happy, and that's all that matters.

Cause obviously, she's out of my reach. I'm wasting my time, and she'll never be mine and I know I never will be good enough for her.

Sums it up pretty much.

I'm halfway there, and it's all on me

So... What can I say? I'm really stoked today. I mean, I got to be with Naomi today. I'll start from scratch then.

Basically, for the past few days, I've been asking around for good books to be recommended to me and finally today, I managed to sum up my willpower to go to the library to borrow them (partly also because I took a bath the night before). Amongst the titles were Lexi's recommendation of Jake Wisner's Spanking Shakespeare and Naomi's recommendations of Jonathan Safran Foer's mindfuck books. Good on me.

So on my way there, Naomi texted me asking if I wanted to hang out after her work. It read:

"Eh want to makan not".

I know that these words may not sound like much, but it really meant something to me to be asked out by someone. That's because not many people really welcome me as I can't really communicate with most others. But Naomi? She's different. She's first and foremost a non-typical Singaporean, and secondly, she's the one whom I have an interest in, so obviously it's a big deal.

Despite my initial plans to just get my books and head home to rest, I knew that this was a rare opportunity not to miss, so I seized the chance to meet up with her in town. It was decided that we would meet at 19:15 at Dhoby Ghaut. We met at the MRT station and headed to Kopitiam at Plaza Singapura for dinner and instantly got off to a good start, talking about stuff that most people wouldn't, you know, about politics, people and all. We decided to head off somewhere though, so she suggested LAN gaming. Despite my lack of interest in LAN gaming, I decided to go along as I just wanted to spend time with her. I was somewhat worried about my nausea problem when LAN gaming though, but decided to suppress it. So we decided to play L4D2. Halfway through, I just could not take it anymore. I got a bad headache, and she suggested that I blink more often to offset the constant glare from the screen. Thinking that this is bad for my heroism or whatever you call it, I decided to just persist. Luckily, she called a friend along though. Thye was his name. He's a pretty nice dude, I must say. I did give a terrible first impression, for I was nauseated and couldn't think straight. Both of them were really forgiving though. So we played all the way till the end. Initially, I didn't really care much, as it was merely a game to me. But towards the end, their enthusiasm really rubbed off on me and I got pretty caught up in the game. It's nice to see Naomi at her supposed "true" self because when gaming, she can get pretty rowdy, and I respect that. She's not at all inhibited whatsoever, and I find that really appealing. She's really not like any other girl and that's why she's so special. We kept playing up till nearly 23:30, and finally decided to call it a day. In the meantime, on the way back, we arranged for another "date", if you could call it that, on Sunday to head to Pigeon Hole, where she recommended me to look for a part-time job there. From the way she described it, it sounds pretty interesting and what I'd like in my life.

You know, I think she really knows me well and we seem to really get on easily. She's so intellectual and interesting. I really want to be with you and just have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, Naomi. Main thing is though, I just want to give us some time to get to know each other better before we rush into anything, unlike what I did with Nicole, and it probably was a good thing that I did rush into it with her, since she's rather different from what I initially thought she would turn out to be. Nonetheless, I'm glad that we at least got to have some time with each other and arrange another day out with each other. Though I'm a little upset about being called "bro", I'm sure that with time, I can change your heart and slowly garner some feelings from you.

Thanks for today. ♥

To you, my dear wife

It's just after sunrise, and I can't seem to sleep because I've been so caught up in love to actually not be able to stop my mind from thinking. So I shall write this in dedication to whoever my future wife might be (hopefully you, Naomi).

I promise to take good care of you. I promise to love you unconditionally. I won't be some ungrateful son-of-a-bitch who just has an affair with another girl. When I commit myself to something, and especially someone, it's really something, as I usually just don't give a fuck about most things. Thus, you will mean a lot to me. I promise to be there for you when you need my support, I promise to be so proud of you, what you have achieved and thankful for what you would have done to my life. I just constantly wonder, what you would be doing at any given time, at 7:11 in the morning right now as I write this post (you probably are sleeping, unless you're a German girl but I hope that it'll be you Naomi). It's hard to fathom how we would actually meet, how we would actually make our feelings known to each other, and how we would eventually get married and spend the rest of our lives together. It's nice to think that you might actually be thinking of me right now, but I doubt that that'll happen. I really look forward to spending our lives together, doting on each other even through old age. We'd be there for each other despite how age would've caught up with both of us, and I'd still be looking at you lovingly through your grey hair, and you'd be looking at me with no hair at all since I probably would've chosen to shave my head the moment I started balding. I'd still gladly make love to you even though I might have erectile dysfunction, but all just for the sake of giving you pleasure. After all, seeing you writhe in pleasure would still be the greatest pleasure that I could ever have.

I know, all these might sound disgusting, but isn't that the whole point of a proper and happy marriage? I don't want to be the same as what happened to mum. I want our marriage to last. I don't want anyone to get hurt. All I want is to make you happy. All I want is for us to be happy.

I should write a post to our future offspring since you've already somewhat written one yourself, that is, if I really do decide to revise my decision of not having children, and I'm sure that it will, as "the future is uncertain" ("you never know", in your case) and I can't really be definite about anything. Classic case in point: When I was a kid, I swore that I would never go for any form of body mod. Well, look at me now! In any case, the next post that I'd write would be to our dear daughter(?).

I just wanna let you know that I love you dear. I'll be looking forward to marrying you and providing you with the happiest days of your life.

Our lives, really.

Where did my baby go

Day 4 of cycling camp, and we break camp. There's really nothing worth mentioning, except for the fact that my injuries seem to have gone worse. Who cares. It's nothing compared to the heartache that I harbour for you, Naomi.

I start off with Faris and Kenneth asking me out. I'm really sorry to not be able to make it for your birthday, Rui Xian, when you've been such a great friend to me. It makes me really guilty to not be there for your special day. Nonetheless, thank you Faris and Rui Xian for having the thought to invite me over. Sorry to you too, Kenneth, for you're a nice guy and I wanna spend some time with you too but sadly, I've gotta take care of myself before anything else. Thanks for having the thought too.

But here's where the real shit starts. I hate having had this injury because I can't get to spend time with you "tomorrow", Naomi. Fuck this shit. I would give so many things up just to be able to go out for lunch with you. I just keep asking myself why I had this crash. Maybe it's a test of my patience and loyalty to you? Things happen for a reason right? I don't know. All I know is that I really want your company but it's just so hard. I really wanna cry now. The feeling of despair has never felt so real. It's struck me that it would be so difficult to ask you out or catch your attention now that you've met a French-German guy by the name of Andi. I mean, it's not that I hate him for having asked you out, as you're such a charming person, but I can't help feeling like I've lost in this game of love. Nonetheless, I'm not gonna give up. I've looked so much forward to hanging out with you that I'm not gonna just give up at the point. No, that isn't the spirit of one who shows real affection. I'll fight for you until the day that you're confirmed to be attached. I've done so much to try to cater to you. I've started to listen to more mellow music, I've changed the language of Facebook, Twitter and Need For Speed World to German just to pick up the language that tad faster, and now I'm awaiting my German classes to begin so that I can start to converse to you in this amazing language, and yet, there are so many more things that I would be willing to pick up just for the sake of you. In fact, I've even changed my lifelong ambition of migrating to LA and start my own garage to living in Stuttgart and working with one of the world's greatest automotive brands just for the sake of being with you, and I think that it's a real positive influence. You really have made such a big impact on me. Never before have I gone to such lengths to cater to the girl whom I fancy. I really think that you're the one, Naomi. For all that I've said about not going after love after Nicole, it really takes someone who is so unconventional to get me out of that stubborn decision that I've made, and that goes to prove just how much more you have in store to just marvel me.

Please, I just want us to have a chance at going out together, just me and you at a movie, and we could gaze at the stars from the park bench and maybe talk about politics, economics, and all that you have going on in that beautiful mind of yours.

If only you knew how I felt.

She's the world

It would be 6 in the morning, and I am just preparing for work. I'm making my breakfast and I gaze out at the beautiful Berlin sunrise beyond the kitchen window on the 70th storey. "It looks so pretty, and I'm just really thankful for having had the most beautiful girl with me", I think. I believe that you're still sound asleep from your busy workload the night before, but what I don't know is that I had accidentally awoken you when I took my morning bath but you pretend to be asleep just to listen to my daily routine. As I start microwaving the soy milk in my glass, you silently creep downstairs and embrace me from the back. I am initially startled, but then I realise that it's just you and I sink down into your oh-so-comfy arms. I turn around, brush your sexy bed-hair aside, look into your eyes and kiss you on the forehead ever so gently. We start off with a light peck on the lips, and then it slowly turns into a more passionate kiss and soon enough, we're petting heavily on the kitchen counter. The microwave ring goes off, but I don't care. I just continue kissing you so passionately, and you start to unbutton my shirt. You run your hands over my chest and my nipples stand on end from your touch. As you slide your hand down towards my belt buckle, I refrain you. "Not now, honey. I've gotta go design another one of the greatest beauties of the world, but none of them can ever be as beautiful as you are." You look up at me, and gingerly nod, albeit somewhat disappointed. "Tonight, alright? I promise." as I coax you into letting your desires dissipate. I browse through your facial features and realise that you haven't aged a single bit. "I love you", I whisper seductively into your ear and with one final playful nibble on your ear, I send you back upstairs to sleep.

Throughout all this, this will be playing in the back of my mind: